i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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