I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
