JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Houston, we have a blender
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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