Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"