I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems