i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.