flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course