hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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