The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
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So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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