Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
