I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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