If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
