at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
