I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
