I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
