My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
