and you said cock pushups were impossible
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So much rum. So many feels.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
