Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
