Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
