gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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