Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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