never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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