My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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