when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
