I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
