Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
