i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
