I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
