woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
