I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
