I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
