my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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