new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
