dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
