I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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