Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?