Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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