oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
