So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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