I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
