Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
