just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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