Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
