We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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