his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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