Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
