Your tits are I can't wait for
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
