It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
