3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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