you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
