If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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