Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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