You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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