he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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