She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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