I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
