I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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