If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just found puke in my bra..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
