My underwear smells like fireworks.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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