dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
