apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
