I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
