just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
